then again, maybe not
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November 23, 2005

God bless America. And no place else.

If you're like me and my band of alcoholic crazies (hopefully you are), Thanksgiving is a time to speak in hushed tones, discussing the wonder, the terror and awe that is a turducken. Now, I've never seen one of these things in person, which may be part of the obsession.

For a truly frightening image of a half-eaten turducken, head over the Save the Squared Stage. If you're not already dry-heaving, check out this extremely elaborate (and hilarious) account of how a turducken is made. My favorite part? The list of "tools,"including

  • A baseball bat, in case that motherfucker gets ornery and disrespects you

  • A hammer, to show that piece of shit duck who is the real boss around these parts

Waring for sensitive viewers: there's a lot of crime schene photography.

And yes, that is a quote from Head of State. Thanks for asking, asshole. It's funny.

Headed out for Thanksgiving

Not that I'm acually going anywhere, except away from work.

So, probably no posting until next week, I'm looking forward to some time away from the computer. Anyway, I was reading The Bitching over at Pandagon. Good stuff there.

The Bitching, movie version:

The Talented Mr. Ripley. Had I been able to make my proper escape, I would have left as soon as Jude Law's character died, taking all motivation (watching his hot ass) out of tolerating another moment of this sorry piece of tedious crap masquerading as a film.

The Bitching, culture version:

Celebrity couples. And that I actually take time out of my day to be embarrassed for Katie Holmes and Britney Spears.
But since this blog is pretty much only about things that bug me, I figured I'd try something different. So here are 5 little things that make me happy.

  1. My TiVo. The thing that has always bugged me about TV is that I have a terrible memory, and can't ever remember when things are on. Like South Park. That damn show has been on for what 10 years? And always on Wednesdays at 10 (I had to look this up, btw). I never remember. Now I don't have to, TiVo tells me. Thanks TiVo! And I'm pretty sure I eat less junk food now that I don't have to see Dorito commercials.
  2. Pictures of my cat. I've been away from him so long I forget what it's like to live with him. But just looking at a picture on my desk makes me smile. I don't know who invented pets, or who made my cat so freaking adorable, but good job.
  3. Hoops & Yoyo. "Pumpkin... pie. Pie. Pumpkin... pie. Cute little guys. Hallmark, but very funny.
  4. My mother. For all of our drama, the woman is just hilarious. She doesn't always mean to be, but she is. I end most of our phone conversations shaking my head and chuckling. That's good stuff.
  5. Strutting around with my iPod. Every now and then, especially if I'm wearing heels, I realize I'm strutting down the street ont he way to work. That is great. Walking with purpose, enoying a good song, not thinking about anything at all. I should probably be embarrassed, but I'm not.

Ok, that's enough. I'm making myself sick with the happy-go-lucky bullshit. The world sucks. Grrrr. Whew, that's better.

November 22, 2005

Momma said there'd be days like this...

First, look at this video. That would totally happen to me, except I'd be pulling off panty hose, vagina all in their faces.

And speaking of mothers (see that bad segue?)...

I called mine today to tell her to have a nice Thanksgiving. I told her I was calling while heading out to get something for lunch. She said "12:15 is kind of early for you." I said "Yeah, I'm really hungry today, not sure why." Which should have been the end of the conversation. Except it wasn't because she busts out with "Maybe you're pregnant." Uh, thanks Mom. It's like going to the health center in college. Stomach flu? Pregnant. Runny nose? Pregnant. Broken leg? Pregnant.

Then my mom tells me because of my job I should be able to "take care of that problem pretty quick." I do love that woman. She's a weirdo, but very nonchalant about abortion, which I appreciate. See? I come by it hoestly.

being pro-abortion

I was making a list this morning, of people I need to get Christmas/Holiday gifts for this year. Keeps getting longer, no surprise. I'm a huge fan of gifts. Giving, receiving, wrapping, I love it all. But for a lot of reasons, buying random crap for people seems particularly empty this year.

Then I got an email from a friend of mine whose sister works with an abortion fund in Colorado. They're broke. Why? Well, abortion funds are always broke, but particularly now because most of their funding sources are going to help Katrina folks who really really need the money. I'm sure FEMA checks don't pay for any kind of family planning services.

So, instead of gifts this year I'm making donations to abortion funds in the areas where the people I'd be buying things for are from. I will be supporting abortions directly. I just wish I had more money to help with.

You should do the same. Even if you were going to get me a gift. Check out the list of NNAF funding sources here.

I remember talking to a woman once who I had to tell she needed to take back the present she got for her daughter's 5th birthday to pay the rest of the money for her abortion. She didn't know how she was going to explain to the girl why Mommy didn't have anything for her birthday. That's a heartbreaking situation. Knowing she needed an abortion to be able to provide for her daughter on the long run was not.

"Keep on fucking, partner"

Via my girl (swoon) over at Bitch Lab, according to OKCupid I'm a slut (newsflash!)

The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSMf)

Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

Hm. Perhaps I don't just want a PS2 for Crazy Taxi. I want it because I am it?

You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this
healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.

I can't remember the last time someone described me as a "nice girl," possibly never, but ok. Glad to see that having lots of sex suggest that I'm good looking.

You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your
emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to
clean up whenever you decide to settle down.

In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner.

Wheee! All of my relationship issues ever, validated right here. So there, fuckers.

Also, "keep on fucking, partner?" I want that on my tombstone.

Your exact opposite:The Priss
ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger
CONSIDER: Anyone else
I do. I do.

November 21, 2005

really? that's kind of scary...

My new favorite RSS feed is I love trying to figure out if the crazy legends are true. But this one was weird.

Merry Christmas Target

Claim: Target has eschewed use of the phrase "Merry Christmas" from its in-store promotions and public advertising.

Status: True.
No, that's not the weird part. The scary thing is this thing got around because some groups are calling for a boycott of Target because they're being sensitive to the other holidays that happen in December.

And then the story gets just nutso. Target isn't the only uh, target for this. There was a boycott of Wal-Mart because they encourage greeters to wish customers "Happy Holidays" instead of Merry Christmas. That's right. Wal-Mart was being to progressive for these people. That's a sure sign you're a right-wing nutjob right there. and judgemental friends

A few months ago a friend of mine asked for my Amazon Wish list. Whoo! I love getting gifts. But she was all annoyed (she's like that) about some of the DVDs I had on it. She really didn't like Penn and Teller's Bullshit. Well, fine. It wasn't on there for her. But she went on for quite a while. This is the same friend who went off about the interviews on the Daily Show because they "make fun of people who say stupid things." Um, I'm not sure why she's friends with me either. That's a good 30% of my day. And hers, but we won't get into that.

Here are a couple of "controversial" items on my list, and what I've heard from folks about them.

Margaret Cho - I Have Chosen to stay and Fight
"She's just a comedian. She's not a feminist."
Um, I completely disagree. Being funny doesn't mean you're not a feminist.

Janice Dickenson - Everything About Me Is Fake... And I'm Perfect
"Ew, she's gross. And a model. Who cares what models have to say?"
(From the same person as above)
Way to discount an entire group of women. I'm intrigued by Janice. She seems like quite a mess, but she has a great sense of humor about herself. See the damn title of the book.

Mary Roach - Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife
"You don't even believe in God. Why would you read this?"
Well, first of all, I read her book "Stiff," which I loved, so I wanted to read more. Also? Just because I don't believe in something doesn't mean it doesn't interest me. And read the description. It's not called "Spook: Ghosts are real and so is the Lord"

Judith Levine - Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex
"Don't you think that's going a bit far? Minors should be protected from sexual exploitation."
Oh please. This book isn't about the wonderful world of child pornography. Enough with the kneee-kerk reaction to the words "children" and "sex."

Mark Noon - Yuengling: A History of America's Oldest Brewery
"That's just wrong. No one needs a whole book about beer."
You may be right. I love Yuengling, but it costs $40. No, fuck it. I still want it.

I know at least one of the people who appears in these comments reads this blog. So, uh, sorry. Wait no. I'm not sorry. If you feel like you have a right to not only disapprove of my desired reading, but actually tell me so, fuck off.

I (like most people) and incredibly judgemental in my own head. Anytime someone does something I think is a bad decision, I think about it. But I don't give them shit about it. And what drives me nuts is hearing that I'm not "feminist" enough, or "liberal" enough. If I were any more liberal I'd have to leave this country and start my own free-sex-having, constantly-drunk-and-high, no-clothes-wearing island of teeming hedonism.

But I don't just agree with things. I don't believe in censorship. At all. In any way. Salman Rushdie said "Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself." Truer words were never spoken. Hello, First Amendment? My liberalism comes from a belief that people should do whatever the fuck makes them happy, as long as they're not hurting anyone else. Speech is the essence of that freedom because we can never learn anything new without someone saying something controversial. Social change comes from someone saying something unpopular.

I know my friends aren't trying to censor my reading. But they are saying I shouldn't like certain things, or experience certain things because they're inconsistent with some narrow vision of what a liberal is, or what a feminist is. That sucks.

more crap

Two things:

1. If you've emailed me in the past week, please write again. For some reason Gmail was forwarding to some email address that isn't mine, so I didn't get anything before yesterday afternoon.

2. One of the emails I did get was a question about the random quotes. Wow, way to pay attention. The whole point is you have to keep coming back to see what they are, but I will tell you they're all song lyrics, and give you a list of artists. You can keep track of how many you've seen and play along at home. How fun!

Ani DiFranco
PJ Harvey
Hot Pursuit
Kanye West
The Pietasters

There are a few others but I can't get in to the template to see them all, so this is from memory. Blogger sucks sometimes.